princewally's world

Friday, March 31, 2006, 11:12 AM - The Adventures of Jesse the Wonderpoodle
Luckily I had six weeks before the muzzle loader season opened to tend my wounds. On opening morning it was raining which is always a good combination (wet powder and primer caps). We didn’t see much that day. That night I took my gun (a .50 caliber CVA hawken named Maybellene after the Chuck Berry song, Because there are some days when I can’t miss and other days that I wouldn’t be able to hit the broad side of a barn if I stood in it) out and oiled it to keep it from rusting.

The next morning the rain had turned to snow giving us about two inches of fresh snow. On the first drive I was one of the standers, upon removing Maybellene from the gun case I noticed that the hammer was not working the way it should, it seemed to have a drag from something (the rain from the previous day had made the wood swell causing the drag). I started working it back-n-forth to loosen it up, it wasn’t helping. Then I saw a doe running through the trees, I pulled up and click, the hammer wasn’t striking the cap hard enough to ignite it. I pulled the hammer back a second time and click, the same process happened with six more does that just about ran over me (I was standing on a main trail).

Then I saw him or more I saw his antlers bouncing through the trees. I pulled up and waited for him to come out into the open. When he came out he was at a full run, but at the same the next stander in line (about a hundred yards) took a shot at a doe but misfired. The misfire caused the buck to stop not more than forty yards from me standing broad side and he was a beauty (a ten pointer that was shot on the last day of the season). He just stood there watching the other stander, I pulled up and click, again I pulled the hammer back with no better results and again one more time nothing. I grabbed my knife and popped the cap of the nipple and was fumbling in my pocket trying to find my lighter (to use the flame to ignite the powder load) when he casually hopped across the opening into the trees and was gone.

By this time I was very angry, I grabbed Maybellene by the barrel and was half a breath away from smashing her on the closest tree, but no she’s been good to me till now. In an attempted to not piss my self off any more, I set Maybellene up against the tree walked ten steps from it pulled out a candy bar and sat down to count the deer that ran across. No more did imagine that! I did get two, one later that day and one the following Saturday.

The next weekend a friend (Ben) and myself took off for Tennessee to hunt wild hog, a trip we’d planned since June. He is an ex-military and needs a time frame type person. So in planning he was going to drive and we needed to leave at such-n-such time so we’d have an E.T.A. of such-n-such time. Anyway we got to Clark Range Hunting Lodge a half day early with nothing to do. The brochure said they had a sauna and there was a young lady working in the taxidermy shop, so I went over and asked her (Georgia) what lodge had the sauna in it. She told me that they had turned the sauna into a closet, then she said that she was going into town to pick up a friend and asked if we’d like to go along. I said that I’d have to talk it over with Ben. We both agreed since we didn’t have any thing else to do.

Then I went back to tell Georgia that we could go along. She looked at me with a what are you talking about look, a complete blank expression (she’d already forgot what she’d asked). I said to go with you to pick up your friend, the words must have been moving in slow motion because it took her an awkwardly long time to register what I had said. Then she got really excited and quickly finished cleaning up. We all got into the car. She was into the trouble before the engine was fully running and tore out of the camp site (the lodge) without letting off the gas. I was in the passenger seat with one hand on to the O’shit handle, one holding the seat and one foot braced against the dashboard. She blew a stop sign and flew up the hill then double stepping on the brakes before turning into a driveway were a drunk young lady came out (not the friend she was going to pick up. We’ll refer to this young lady as Crazy lady).

Crazy lady staggered out onto the porch and asked in a drunken southern twang slur “wh what ya all doing?” Georgia quickly told her we were going into town to get her friend and asked if she felt up to coming along. Crazy lady responded with a teetering o.k., she grabbed her coat and got in. Georgia tore out of the driveway and was just flyen down the Tennessee backhills road with a beer in one hand an apple in the other while jabbering over her shoulder. I’m over in the passenger seat go’en "Aaah, you want ta watch the road there!"

A short while later Crazy lady put her feet up on the center console and asked “ar aren’t mmmy feet purty ?”. I looked at them, then to her and said yes your feet are very pretty! She responded with “rub my ffeet “. I looked back at her and said “WHAT!”, no I’m not going to rub your feet. She then asked “aarn’t my ffeet purty!”. I turned to look her in the eye and said yes your feet are pretty and no I’m not going to rub them. We then handed her a beer and she sat back and was quite.

When we got to town to get their friend we had to go to the courthouse because she was just getting out of jail. She got in and started complaining that she’d had to spend a week in jail, her boyfriend has been on the run for ten days, her roommates boyfriend been on the run for five days, and her roommate’s been hiding in the trees down by the gravel pit for three days and figure out why they keep getting busted when they live right across the road from a cop. By this time I was looking out the window thinking damn those are some sexy trees, I wouldn’t mind if we stopped so I could get a closer look at them. At the same time Crazy lady put her feet back on the center console and asked “aren’t my feet pretty”. This time Georgia chipped in by telling her that she had some cream for her feet and handed the vial to me. I took the vial not knowing what it was and said “what’s this”? NO NO don’t give me that and put it back in the cup holder.

Crazy lady asked again “aren’t my feet pretty”, I turned looked her in the eye and said “yes your feet are pretty, no I’m not going to rub them stop asking”. Crazy lady then nudged me with her foot and asked aren’t me feet pretty. I turned to her saying I’m not rubbing your feet! She then asked “why do they stink” and put them up in my face. I smacked her foot down just to have it put right back up there. In an attempt to piss her off I put her foot in a headlock and started flicking her toes. The attempt backfired, the only thing it accomplished was to make her even more frisky than she was before. Upon arriving back at the lodge Ben went to get his cigarettes while I was saying goodbye to Georgia and Crazy lady when Georgia asked if she could have my shirt. I told her that I’d give it to her on Sunday before we left. Crazy lady jumped in saying “you don’t have to wait see” and pulled her shirt up over her head. I looked at her and said “lovely” turned to Georgia and said on Sunday before we leave, tipped my hat to both of them and walk back to the lodge we were staying in, walked right past Ben who was standing in the rain smoking.

I closed and locked the door behind me. Ben heard the bolt latch and said open the door, I responded with not until she’s gone, and turned on the t.v.


Thursday, March 30, 2006, 07:53 AM - The Adventures of Jesse the Wonderpoodle
In October we went on our yearly elk hunt and camp was a lot of fun, every body was sick from one thing or another and the weather was not helping. First it would rain then turn to snow with a lovely biting wind, then the sun would come out and melt all the snow making it just slimy. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in the mountains in Colorado but the dirt is a thin form of clay, So when it gets wet its all kinds a fun. Well it went on like this for four days. All the slippen-n-sliden was not helping my ribs that were still healing from a sky diving accident.

But on opening morning we got about an inch of fresh snow which would help in finding the elk. At about an hour before sunrise I climbed the mountain (hill) on the other side of the river where I’ve seen elk in previous years. Talk about being cold! It’s not that I wasn’t dressed for the weather it was the climb up the mountain side that got me dripping in sweat and then having to sit and wait for the sunrise that made me completely miserable. As the sun rose the cold was almost set in to joints and I had to start walking to keep warm, I stumbled across a fresh set of tracks and the hunt was on. My temperature rose to an expectable level. As I slowly made my way down the game trail following the tracks and soon it was two sets and then three. Then I found a pile of droppings that were still steamen, meanen I was close. As I came up a draw I spooked them out of there beds. I was bringing the rifle to my shoulder and putting my left leg forward to stabiles, I stepped on a dead fall (fallen tree) that was baried under the snow, lost my footing slipped and fell flat on my back knocking the wind out of me and recraking my rib as I started to slide down the hillside. Once I caught myself and my breath (it was hiding in a squirrels nest) I started out after the elk at a steady military pace chanting “if I can still see your tracks I ownn you”. After chasing them for three hours through every nook-n-cranny before giving up and heading for the gulch (know as the black hole to the locals). where the elk like to go during the daylight hours.

But on the way there, four miles from were I was on the mountain, I got a cramp in my leg that hurt more when I tried to massage it out then when I walked on it. So on I hiked for the gulch, by the time I got there the sun was already starting to set and being that I had not been down in it before I figured it would be in my best interest to wait to explore it until I had a full day to play around. On the way back to camp I ran into one of the other members of our hunting group and we got to talken about who seen what and were. Because of the snow and wind (making visibility limited) we didn’t see the herd of mulies (mule deer) until they were on top of us (no bucks and not in season). During the course of the season, I didn’t see another elk but I did have a mulie doe playing tag with me. I was climbing a hillside and had just crested the top when I seen her and froze, not wanting her to take off at a dead run sounding the alarm. She looked up from whatever she was eating and saw me, but wasn’t really sure what I was just pretty sure I didn’t belong there. She took a few steps so that her head was behind a tree (the old I can’t see you, you can’t see me theory. A lot like a child would do). Then quickly popping her head out from behind the tree and stared at me with the “I’m pretty sure your not a tree but still don’t know what you are”. I didn’t move, just watched as she slowly came out from behind the tree and very casually made a shallow arc around me before stopping behind some brush where her vision was shaky at best, I took two pain stakenly slow steps. She seen the movement and quickly stepped out from behind the brush to get a better look. But by then I had already froze again and doing my best not to laugh. She began a slow and very nervous approach, trying to get some scent to help her figure out what I am. She all the sudden started to hop away then stopped and snapped her head back around to see if I had moved, I hadn’t. She then walked down the hill side and disappeared from sight, so I started to slip through the trees trying to stalk elk and heard a noise behind me, turned around to see what the noise was and saw the mulie doe trying to sneak up on me. She stopped and starred at me for awhile before turning and walking casually away. With the weather being so unhelpful, where you did have to wear a lot of heavy clothing in the mornings to keep warm and then have to shed it all off by noon was making things difficult because I didn’t sit. I’m just about always on the move, so every time I shed I’d have to hide it some place and then go back and get it before I went back to camp at the end of the day. It doesn’t sound that bad except that I average ten miles a day hiking with out having to backtrack.

On one day I was only a mile from camp and decided to go back and dump my heavy clothes. When I got to camp the D.O.W. (department of wildlife) was sitting there waiting, with the weather being so crappy, my ribs hurting, a mildly sprained ankle and having blisters on top of blisters my mood was less than welcome. I had just got in to camp and they approached and demanded to see my license, with my foul mood I snapped and said “who the hell are you to be looking at my license”. They came back with we’re the D.O.W. and if you don’t show us your license it’s a two thousand dollar fine and were going to take your rifle. My rifle is a custom made .338 Win. Mag. with an answer products Inc. recoil system and a leupold scope, in short the rifle cost more than most of my pickups. You’d sure been surprised at how fast my mood changed, I even offered them some snacks for their troubles. The weather finally made up its mind on what it was going to do and as far as I was concerned it was a good change. The sky was a deep crayon sky blue with out a cloud in the sky. And as hurt’n as I was I climbed up a ridge overlooking a small creek (from were I was sitting it looked like a pee stream) and put my back to a brush so anything coming from behind me would have to leave itself out in the open before they would know I was there. To add a sour note to this beautiful day, the weight of the stress from events that took place just before leaving for Colorado were starting to take there toll. I started writing a letter, while writing the letter I heard some noise off to my right and looked over to see seven mulies, two yearling fawns, four year old does and the mother. The yearlings would run down the slop like a young child saying “look at me, look at me, I can fly” and jump up and soar down the hillside before hitting the uneven ground and going for a tumble. They’d get up, shake the cobwebs from there ears, and do it again until they reached the bottom were they waited for mom (seeing this brought a smile to my tired body) to catch up. They then ran over to the creek with “look I’m on one side” then jump to the other “now I’m on the other”. Mom just walked up shaking her head with that old “if I find the one that did this to me I’m going to rip it off”. Upon finishing the letter the weight was removed and I relaxed, I relaxed to much, so much in fact that I fell asleep with the sun beating down on my face (it was the only part of me exposed). When I woke up two hours later the damage had already been done. My lips were so sun burnt that I had no feeling in them, it was a week later before I had any feelings in them.

That's Chapter 4

Wednesday, March 29, 2006, 10:22 PM - Quote of the Day
Teddy Roosevelt's words:

In the first place we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the man's becoming in very fact an American, and nothing but an American...

...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag, and this excludes the red flag, which symbolizes all wars against liberty and civilization, just as much as it excludes any foreign flag of a nation to which we are hostile...We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006, 08:06 AM - Guns
Apparently, I should be paying the tax on people who can't do math.

This weekend, I am driving 300 miles round trip, mostly to avoid paying range fees in my area.

Of course, part of the reason I'm going is to get a weekend away from my mother-in-law, who has been living with me for the past year.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006, 08:00 AM - The Adventures of Jesse the Wonderpoodle
We Fest was just miserably hot and I had two vultures waiting for me to passout so they could shave a heart in my chest hair to match Austin Powers. It gives you an idea on how much fun I had.

But the year before was a good time except I seen more “dick” than “tit”. Not a good average and it all got shot to hell as I was coming around a corner. Six guys were having an argument about who’s was longer limp and dropped there shorts at the same time. I mean there’s just some thing’s my eyes are not meant to see. Being the kind’a guy I am I made sure every body I was with seen as well, so I wouldn’t be the only one scared. I don’t know what was worse; that or when the guy at the bookstore was hitting on me.

Just a short chapter now. Chapter Four is MUCH longer!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 04:53 PM - The Adventures of Jesse the Wonderpoodle
Later that summer I decided to learn to sky dive, I had no problem going up in the plane or even the sky diving part of it (except the first jump were I was breathing so hard I sounded like a woman going into labor). It was the getting out of the plane where the trouble was. It was more trouble because of having to jump with my instructors where if I messed up someone else could get hurt.

All was going well, I only had to retake jump #4 (my choice). On jump #7 we departed the plane and I did the sequence of movements that would pass me to the next level. All was good until I opened my chute (I don’t know if you’ve sky dived, but when you open your chute you kind of bounce from the sudden speed change). Upon opening my chute I did the first bounce then the strap holding the chute to my harness on the left side let loose.

My first reaction was to grab the O’shit handle. So that’s what I did, I reached up and grabbed the one side still holding with both hands(being that I only had half a chute it caused me to do a pendulum swing). Let me tell ya when I was playing Tarzan across the sky. It was the most religious fifteen seconds of my life. Luckily the jolt from the uneven pull on the harness released the reserve chute, when I noticed that I was leveling out I looked up and saw the reserve chute opening, I thought yaa I’m saved. But then the half of the main chute started to wrap up into the reserve chute, I quickly pulled the cord to release the main chute and all was well until my landing approach.

Being so happy that I was making a landing approach, I came in with the wind instead of against it, I didn’t realize my mistake until I was twenty feet off the ground and coming in way to fast for my abilities. I prepared for impact expecting compound fractures in both legs, I hit the ground at about 30 mph., went into a tuck and roll and was standing on both my feet before the chute hit the ground.

Not noticing any damage to my self, I took the chute back to base camp and said “I think this ones broke could I get a different one”. They gave me a new one and we went up and made jump #8 with no problems. It wasn’t until the next morning that I found the full extent of the landing damage.

My right leg hurt so bad I could hardly put any weight on it, my left leg throbbed with a bearable pain and had a sprained ankle, My neck was so stiff that it remained in that same position for two days before I was able to have restricted movement and I was having severe problems breathing because of the bruised back and cracked rib. Four days later I did the final jump to graduate me to solo diving.

Chapter 3 is coming soon to a theatre near you!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 08:46 AM - The Adventures of Jesse the Wonderpoodle
Trying to start these damn letters sucks. Well I guess that I’ll start with the year 2001, which was a good year for me.

In May I went to Texas hog hunting and got a 230 lb. wild boar with a knife. We first used bay dogs to corner it which took almost two hours. Once the bay dogs had it cornered we sent in the catch dogs (pitbulls). They went in and grabbed it ears (one on each side) to help control the hog. I then followed the catch dogs in because once they have it you’ve got to get in there and dispatch the animal or subdue it before it can escape or you’ll have to start all over again. When I got close enough to stab it, I thrust the blade in to its side behind the shoulder, and half expecting it to collapse or something but when it kept on fighting like nothing happened I just started hammering the knife home (about six times) and on the last thrust I cut its heart in half. Blood just started spraying out of the wounds covering me in blood. When the knife hit the heart the hog shook the dog closest to me off and its two and a half in. tusk was lined up with my knee, I though to my self “Game over”, and quickly hopped back, the catch dog regained its composure and grabbed hold again I then lunged in for the final blow. After the hunt was over and the hog dressed and ready for transport there wasn’t much to do, so one of the guides suggested maybe I would like to help train some of the young dogs, and I though that was a great idea. And for the rest of the day which was full of surprise (from sunshine and hot, to a thunderstorm with a tornado, to sunshine and hot) we worked with the dogs.

One day I was drinking a sobe drink and reading the ingredients (yes I can read). One of the ingredients was yohimbe and it said “for added strength energy and endurance, since I was putting in a lot of hours at work and the gym my body was feeling a little run down (no comments from the peanut gallery – FRED). So I got to thinken that a little added boost would be nice. The next morning I went to G.N.C. and got a bottle of yohimbe. I didn’t think much of it when the lady behind the counter gave me a strange look because I was just as happy as a school girl that I had just found a new wonder pill. The only part I didn’t know was that all that “strength, energy, and endurance” was for Mr.Wiggles. I started to suspect something when every time I changed directions to fast, did any thing to get my blood pumping or even stepped into a stiff breeze good old Mr. Wiggles was standing at attention. This went on for about two weeks before I figured out what was raising the red flag. At first I was really excited “waahooo I’m sixteen again” but then the hole thing became more of a pain, not to mention the possible embarrassing circumstances it would eventually cause.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2.

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